First of all a quick note to say that my review of Blazzin Fiddles has been
published in the latest EFDSS magazine, so do check that out!
Secondly this blog post is more just for me to get my thoughts down in writing.
I'm also curious if anyone views the world in quite the same why I do and puts
the same pressure on themselves.
Life is still taking me odd directions; I've been put on a work experience
placement in a job centre.
I was curious about how this was going to go, but my advisor told me that most
people who do these placements ends up getting a job, just because so many job
advisors are there to help, so we will see. Typically though my placement has
been different as our slightly bizarre manager decided he didn’t just want us
filing and the like, he want us to actually learn something so set us a
project.
This project has actually been very fun to do and I noticed that even though
this is an unpaid placement I've enjoyed it a lot more than my previous job
working for a children’s website. The manager is a very enthusiastic person and
keeps telling me and the other lad on placement that the only thing that stops
you from accomplishing anything is you.
Now as I have briefly touched on before, my motivation has been rock bottom
lately, and blogging has been one of the areas to take the hit, but
encouragement from my family and wonderful lady is helping me to 'get over it'
as it were, so hopefully I will be able to start committing better.
I have also been thinking a lot about the psychology behind why I act the way I
do sometimes when looking at things like working and hobbies etc I take a very
hard stance on myself.
Many years ago now I used to do the sport fencing and it was one of my hobbies
and I was reasonably good at it, I did okay in competitions and I was certainly
one of the best in my club at the time, but I remember shortly before I left to
go to University something changed in me, I became terrified of competition. I
don't just mean competing I mean any kind of competition. As soon as my mind
made this switch everything then appeared as a competition, either against
other people or against myself.
In school doing Philosophy I was arguably one of the top of the class if not
the top, so it hit me hard when in Uni I was upstaged by others. This may sound
very... immature at this point but keep in mind that this was all subconscious
and striving to be the top is a very normal, very human emotion. I gradually
started taking the attitude that people will always be better than me so I
stopped trying, I think it could be part of the reason (although there were
certainly other factors which I won't go into) why I didn't get the grade I
could have in the end.
This all affects me now as very failed job application and every week being
on JSA is me failing in this competition against myself.
I also find that everything has to go somewhere, be part of some bigger plan.
In Uni I joined the radio station and found a passion for this. In my first year
it was just a fun hobby but by second year I was working towards it as a career
path. Then when I developed a love for folk music this slotted into this plan
as I could do a folk music radio show as well as debate shows which had stemmed
from my Philosophy degree. See, all connected, hobbies have to fit in to the
master plan or they are not worth doing (at least in my subconscious).
I'm trying to learn to play the melodeon and it is proving to be very difficult
and is taking a long time, so another hit to my esteem. Playing the box is not
connected to my overall plan but is a very important side quest (lol video game
speak), I firmly know the level I want to reach and it is a very slow process
and I may not even get there. Sadly I just don't have that musical flare (my
sister does though. She is pitch perfect and can easily pick up instruments.
Curses...)
I did pick a really hard, very competitive industry to try and get into, and
then have selected a very narrow niche. So unsurprisingly I am struggling to
break into radio and every month that passes with not even the slightest chance
is breaking me. People tell me it’s not the end of the world, I can just get
any job and keep looking in radio. Now this is true and I accept that, but subconsciously
it doesn't matter, I am still failing, bottom of the competition board as it
were. The fact is I am not particularly exceptional at anything, just average
or good, but so are a lot of people, so unless I get really lucky I'm going to
remain in this cycle, and that is frustrating.
People tell me I put so much pressure on myself and that I need to appreciate
the things I have accomplished, and the fact I am good at things. For me though
it doesn't really work like that, I am proud to have reviews published on
bright Young Folk, Fatea and EFDSS, but they are just stepping stones towards
that final goal and so aren't worth celebrating. If anything they act as a
reminder that I am close to my goal but not there yet, I am stuck just out of
reach.
Does anyone else look at the world like this? Or am I just weird? :p
DFTBA
